Hi back

I have not write in a very long time, too long actually ..
So many things happened and i dont think writing a whole post on it could fit all those moments i wish to mortalize in here.

How i missed writing *deep sigh
China please stop banning Google. Okay lets face it aqilah , you actually stop writing because you were that tired of life at that particular point of your life specifically right after you started your freshman year. I can tell you that im that tired of life that i lose all my passion on certain things, like writing and the face was trying hard to tell me i need to stop being too hard on myself #pimpleseverywhere yet i ignored it... Am grateful that now I realised it and i think i should think of a different way to deal with life ahead of me.

As for you, yeah you.
You know what, sometimes you reminded me of who i am and sometimes you made me realised of having some good qualities in me that myself failed to see it. Everyone needs an extra pair of eyes, and in my case i have you, so thank you for that. Remember when i told you that i havent cried for two months bla bla bla, i was genuinely very happy that i had no reason to cry and a solid reason why am i happy was you. Those 4 months felt like a lifetime and i really do hope that my lifetime will be fill with you in it. It amazes me everyday how somebody like you could love someone like me so much in a very short time as I to be honest got nothing to offer in return for such enormous amount of love you had for me. I do hope all those little talks we had everyday would be enough to cheer you up and so you know that you always have me :) .

So this post has end up being a luahan perasan post and i think if i keep going on this will end up being a novel. Better stop here.
520 Bangau

Pep talk

I have left home for seven years now, each time when departures drawn nearer I cannot help myself from overwhelming sorrow. The bitter of it is sometimes unbearable. You could not stop yourself from thinking about few of worst case scenarios that could took place in your absence. Through my years away from home, there were few incidents that totally broke me inside, but then I had to gather all strength I had left in me, put on my brave face and move ahead.

It is saddening, whether you are eight or eighty, it never feels great leaving your loved ones behind. Plus, knowing that if something ever happens, Nauzubillah minzalik, you could not immediately jump on the next plane available. With all hopes,dreams,worries molded into one and stuffed into you, slowly you become a wreck.

Then you will start arranging those tiny pieces you brought along with you to your new home. Laying it out pieces by pieces, letting it trailed along your newly-paved road. You will fall every once in a while, but then you carve another , one that will lead you to your destination.

So there you have it, me giving myself a pep talk. Girl, you gotta finish what you have started. By now, you maybe too young to realize everything, give yourself some time and space to grow. Don't be afraid of the unknown, it might turn out to be something so beautiful you do not want to leave it behind, okay?

Till then dearself, be bold!

Becoming Arabs

Been observing what is currently happening in Malaysia, and i think this is my call.

I don't think we are becoming neither more arabic or more western but we are currently evolving to a better civilization of human beings.

In the age where there is so little practice of manners and modesty, i think those people who stay true to their principles deserve a standing ovation.

How is not shaking hands with opposite sex is consider as being rude, how is wearing abayas define you as an Arab not as a Malay.

Dear, we are a race with million faces. We can be a Malay with chinese or indian resemblances. We are a race who adapt in many different cultures. We are a race that survive because we willingly evolves.

And please, do differs. Some of us live in different eras, different background, different lifestyle. I live in an era where islamic knowledges are taught proportional to my scientific knowledges, while my father live in another different era. Sometimes our opinions are totally different, but look at it as a blessing. Sometimes those differences make us think for a while. Some of us haven't done a lot of thinking lately, right?

Please, there is other that do matters. Our education system is changing on yearly basis. Our people is not properly served, our representatives is not serving us properly. What else i could say? I can't help feeling sympathy for the Chinese when i heard they say "ah, this offers are only for bumiputeras", whereas the Bumiputeras are doing things that are best described as "foolish".

Now that I'm in China, i have a first hand experience to know how Chinese thinks, works and also other countries as well.
I am a proud Malaysian, saying we doing our best to accommodate all different races without diminishing their own distinct cultures. A country where women's are treat fair enough. A country that children are equipped with good education.
There's so much room for improvement, but kindly do it in a very civilised manners. We have enough hatred in the world, don't add more in my dearest Malaysia.

People's Republic of China

(1)
   Been here for approximately a month and 19 days.
So it has been a really good experience, whereas I really have to adapt into a completely different environment.
I have to walk about 1 kilometre, so that I fulfil my obligations. I could pray anywhere but here, it is too much people everywhere
And plus I really want to avoid any troubles.
 For food, I am becoming a half vegan. I avoided eating any meats if I have to eat in a common restaurant.
It is so hard to find a halal restaurant downtown.
As a full time hijabist, sometimes I drew some unwanted attention. Maybe because the way I wear it.
Some of them had mistaken me as a Xinjiang people. The Xinjiangs are so much beautiful compared to me, a mere plain Jane.
But it is sad to know that their government oppressed them from practising the religion. I wish Malaysia could be a safe haven for them, to enjoy the beauty of Islam.
What else I could share?
It is Autumn now and sometimes it is totally cold. Please pray that I could bear the weather.
What I trying to improve right now is  literally educate my guy friend to avoid touching me. I am glad that my girl friends could explain to the guys in their respective native languages
Please pray for me, I could be a better Muslim despite all these challenges. That’s all I think.
Assalamualaikum

(2)
Sometimes, I find myself sympathising over my friends because they had to adjust their desire to eat according to my preferences and they always insisted that it was okay.
A friend who used to eat with me, told me that the food did not fancy her anymore. I was smiling though, and tell her go and eat somewhere else, I would not mind. She never eat with me again after that. I was telling myself, “ Be glad you have a choice, I don’t”. I am not whining, but sometimes I really wished I could go back to Malaysia.
I want to go back to the way I could eat perfectly anything, since I was a very enthusiastic eater.
I want to go back to the way I would not feel the guilt having to qada’ my prayer because I can practically pray anywhere decent.
I want to go back to the way where I can learn and work independently, and not touching ajnabi was respected by all, regardless religion.
I want to have control in my life, to not living out of fear for things I had lost.
I want to be able to feel protected, for now I’m fighting with my life trying to protect myself.
It may sounds exaggerating , but this is what I feel right now. Crying my heart out while writing this.
I have been holding up pretty well this past two months, reminding myself not to cry as no one could pick me back up from my shattered self.

(3)
Well it is 4 am now, but I could not lure myself into sleeping. Hahaha
Before, I was crying while writing, but today let’s just say I am smiling. Here something you should know, I live my life by tiptoeing on the little things happen every day. Meeting the children every fortnight, caught the moon smiling to me, being able to look good on the first try, being able to see the hunter constellation on a hazy night, playing Bole Chudiya  on our midnight stroll etc etc..
You know, it’s a little bit hard living in this world nowadays, but I remembered what Ustaz Hamdi said, “As long as they (he meant us) live, they will not rest until they achieved jannah whereas they can be eternally enjoy the relaxing moment”. Enjoying our time in Jannatul Adn’ , drink from Salsabila water and being able to see Allah after our endless struggles in Dunya’.
I cannot say I am fully adapted, but slowly I am enjoying the beauty China could offer. I will always miss Malaysia.  Allah put us where we are now for a reason and In shaa allah I am slowly seeing the purpose. I constantly reminds myself, you have a belief and never gambles it.
I like who I am now, but I want to be better. I want to be the change I want to see in this world. Help me would you? Becomes my comrade in this journey,  let this world heals.

(4)
Assalamualaikum w.b.t
I haven’t write for a while now, there always something to tell but been busy remembering all this Chinese characters. Yeah, it is kind of a pathetic reason but if you have a chance to learn Chinese , take a shot. You might enjoy it!
As you can see from above are posts that should be in my blog by now, and since China blocks it so it take a while though. If you are reading from the beginning you can see the changes I had .
Being in China is one in a million experience, that I can say. This past 6 months, it has been a roller coaster ride filled with a lot of emotions.
Happy, when I finally met my fellow country mates and it is truly a mixture of us all, Malay , Chinese and Indian. Those tiny differences really taught me a lot and also make me love Malaysia even more. You know that feeling when you know about just a simple details but you never come from that specific races and then you will be like, “Dude, I’m from Malaysia, we practically celebrate everything,” by everything, you know what I mean. Eidul Fitr, Eidul Adha , Chinese New Year, Wesak, Thaipusam, Deepavali, Christmas just to name a few.
Sad, when I know what the Xinjiangs been through here. There were girls who had to take off their hijab so that they would not be kicked out. They were afraid to pray although they were with me and not under surveillance of the government.
Worry, or anxious I think. I will be studying my degree, using Chinese as a medium. There were a lot of time that I wanted to back off when I see how my roommate struggles but yet, I deeply thank those people who pulled me up regardless how many time I freaked up.
If you are reading this, I want you to know that you are one of the people who give me the strength to bear all I had here. I know those who are reading this are the one who knows my dream that I had talked about since high school, practically know me for who I am, how I act , how I speak.
To tell you the truth, I miss you guys. Let’s meet up when I’m back, okay? And please know if you are the one feeling down these days, you had given me so much that I can still be here. I’m here not just because of myself, but I carry all of you in my tiny little heart. Hit me up if there’s something you want to tell me. I would love to hear it from you guys. Write me a letter, you know I am an old-fashioned lady .

Explain

It began with a deep sorrow I had because of my result.
I never had so much frustrations in myself because all this while my results were always perfect so when my SPM result was not as good as before,my morale dropped so low.

But then, I refused to let my result to define me. I was sad, so sad but I refused to acknowledge my feelings so I began to search anything that maybe suited my result.

So I searched, called and mailed any chances I have. Not keeping my hopes high, I just waited .
Then the email came and told me they agreed to accept me as their student. I was thrilled and called my mom. I had a long thought about this and also discussed the matter with my dad.

'Life is a gamble' someone told me that.

At first, my application was rejected from the university because I did not fulfill their criteria, then when the offer came in, they offered to fill the blanks that I have so I fit into the criteria and became one of the students. In other word, they offered rather different from what I first apply but I can reapply when I completed that particular course. So yeah why not.

I felt like a hipster but then why not go crazy while you are young and experience things you never imagined to do. Believe me, I am one of those typical Malaysian who wanted to study in UK, US but then life stirs me into a different direction which I believe and In shaa Allah will strengthen me with Allah and Islam. May success lies ahead me.

I am happy and also scared. I am going on Monday and I bet you can imagine how am i feeling right now. Just promise me that you will include me in your prayers. It is more than enough, I dont know whether I can still do this in China but I'll try.

Till then.

8 days

A week to go when midnight comes

Friends, thank you for coming and the gifts

26 days

I wish I could pull off writing spontaneous in Malay as good as I write in English.
Maybe because I'm used to writing facts in Malay that made me less expressive in Malay.
I always refer English as my Romance language . Cheesy though

Anyway, 26 days left
Well things is going well so far
Except for Malaysian ringgit, which left me in shock just now
I think my Chinese is doing okay but still in need to be polish more
Then next I'm thinking on how to present myself to my future collegemates
Is it the carefree self or newly invented modest self.
I'm not being fake or anything but I want this to be my turning point
To be a better self
Why travel if not Letting yourself undergo changes, right?