Explain

It began with a deep sorrow I had because of my result.
I never had so much frustrations in myself because all this while my results were always perfect so when my SPM result was not as good as before,my morale dropped so low.

But then, I refused to let my result to define me. I was sad, so sad but I refused to acknowledge my feelings so I began to search anything that maybe suited my result.

So I searched, called and mailed any chances I have. Not keeping my hopes high, I just waited .
Then the email came and told me they agreed to accept me as their student. I was thrilled and called my mom. I had a long thought about this and also discussed the matter with my dad.

'Life is a gamble' someone told me that.

At first, my application was rejected from the university because I did not fulfill their criteria, then when the offer came in, they offered to fill the blanks that I have so I fit into the criteria and became one of the students. In other word, they offered rather different from what I first apply but I can reapply when I completed that particular course. So yeah why not.

I felt like a hipster but then why not go crazy while you are young and experience things you never imagined to do. Believe me, I am one of those typical Malaysian who wanted to study in UK, US but then life stirs me into a different direction which I believe and In shaa Allah will strengthen me with Allah and Islam. May success lies ahead me.

I am happy and also scared. I am going on Monday and I bet you can imagine how am i feeling right now. Just promise me that you will include me in your prayers. It is more than enough, I dont know whether I can still do this in China but I'll try.

Till then.

8 days

A week to go when midnight comes

Friends, thank you for coming and the gifts

26 days

I wish I could pull off writing spontaneous in Malay as good as I write in English.
Maybe because I'm used to writing facts in Malay that made me less expressive in Malay.
I always refer English as my Romance language . Cheesy though

Anyway, 26 days left
Well things is going well so far
Except for Malaysian ringgit, which left me in shock just now
I think my Chinese is doing okay but still in need to be polish more
Then next I'm thinking on how to present myself to my future collegemates
Is it the carefree self or newly invented modest self.
I'm not being fake or anything but I want this to be my turning point
To be a better self
Why travel if not Letting yourself undergo changes, right?

Dark side

I was maybe a little too loud on my dream.
This one particular dream of me being a mariner like my dad.

I may ignite some sparks in your young souls
but I feel like I have to tell you this

This dream come with a heavy price,
there's a dark side and truthfully, I am putting myself in gamble.
I refused to let it be acknowledged because I see no point for it to be told to anyone.
I have fear in my heart
but i am willing to face the challenges.

Chase your dreams, that's my mantra
because following it means accepting whatever thrown to you
without sticking up for yourself, your desires.

So I hope you'll get a little motivation.
Pray for my well being and my success.
 

Fear

It has been a while since my last post.
A little bit occupied with the time i had at home
but honestly, all this time at home made me less humane
I'm not cannibalistic yet but spending 9 months
not interacted to the world like you used to before
really did some changes in me.

Anyway, beneath all that
I fear what the future holds for me
All the decisions I had made till today
will it be worthwhile?

I am afraid how the world will accept me
I am afraid of myself
Am I that ready for all of this?

South China Sea

Peeps.
wan'an.
This is me learning Mandarin.
Equipping myself for my next voyage.

Will be sailing across the South China Sea.
for the dreams I have and willing to fulfill.

Pray for me and my well being.
For the one I left, my love never cease
As it go further, it becomes fonder.

Wo xiang nian ni yong yuan.
Jide, ni shi tebie.

Be happy.
Never restrain yourself from anything
Chase your dreams dont follow it
inwei dreams are worth being chase
for it takes us to another place, different life.

Confusion

It is three days away from my birthday.
Well that's not i'm going to write about.

I'm in confusion, not really
but things going on right now is pressuring me

I dont think I really appreciate the interview or anything
I have made my mind, prepare for it and now this happen

You cannot simply strip away all the vision you made me dream,
all the hope I build for myself

Save your thoughts for somebody else.
An opinion from someone who rarely see me even know me
by heart is a 2 cents thoughts that i dont really approve

Dreams

Having a dream is easy, pick one and there you have it.
But fulfilling it is the tricky part.
There will be holes, bobby traps, obstacles , fairy dusts , enchantments, villains, villains acted like heroes and bla bla bla.
am I speaking about fairytales?
Yes and no.
Yes, it is and no, it's actually disney movies.

Some says you have a wonderful childhood if it is filled with those disney wonders.
I might agree on that. Well, I never truly understand the story deeply other that the princess got married and happily ever after part until this few years back people started to immortalize the quotes from all those movies into tumblr and such.

I gotta say those quotes keep me moving forward. You see those moving pictures as the Academy describes are an expressions of a sage for the future generation to withstand any challenges and uphold good values in life.Not forgetting all the legends and folklore present in this world.

Don't get caught up with the frustrations and sadness till you abstain people from showing off their happiness. That is their story, you have yours. Let your story be epic filled with sudden conflicts and endearing happiness. Its okay to be frustrated but never ever give up. Give yourself a time to grief but then promise yourself it won't happen again. Believe me, I know.

So here a heavy dose of Disney quotes:

Onna

Sempena Hari Wanita Antarabangsa, aku disini ingin mencoret sesuatu dan semoga menjadi inspirasi untuk kamu yang membaca.

Wanita kini lebih gagah menongkah arus kemodenan, kita tidak lagi dihimpit sebarang kesulitan untuk mengejar impian masing-masing. Namun, kita tidak dapat lari daripada diskriminasi gender walaupun dunia sudah semakin berubah oleh itu, muncullah pelbagai gerakan bagi memberi kesamarataan antara lelaki dan perempuan.

Aku perempuan dan aku menyokong gerakan ini namun bukan secara radical menyamaratakan lelaki dan perempuan sehingga sanggup menggunakan alasan yang bagi diri ini agak keanak-anakan.

Aku sokong kesamarataan yang tidak lari daripada fitrah.

Lelaki sebagai pelindung wanita dan ia kekal begitu. Bukan sewenang-wenangnya mengeksploitasi wanita demi keuntungan. Aku timbulkan persoalan ini untuk kalian, gaun direka dengan rekaan yang mendedahkan pelbagai anggota tubuh wanita tetapi tidak kepada rekaan sut lelaki. Aku tidak menimbulkan soal aurat tetapi fikirkan, jika kita ingikan kesamarataan maka pakaian lelaki juga harus direka begitu bukan.

Fitrah perempuan yang sememangnya lembut tetapi mengapa ditegur dengan sebegitu kasar sekali. Menggunakan pendekatan yang memalukan dirinya serta membuatkan dirinya berasa rendah diri. Ya, lelaki tidak lari daripada sikap kasarnya, tetapi ini adakah ini membolehkan dirinya mengeluarkan kata-kata nista. Kata-kata nista itu digambarkan sebagai kekuatan persahabatan antara lelaki. Berbudi bahasa itu bukan kewajipan mutlak kaum hawa tetapi itu kewajipan kita semua.

Ilmu tidak perlu diklasifikasikan. Ilmu itu bebas sifatnya. Ilmu itu milik siapa yang mencarinya. Tiada istilah yang menggambarkan sesuatu ilmu itu layak dipelajari oleh golongan tertentu sahaja. Benar, kapasiti otak lelaki dan wanita itu berbeza tetapi perkara itu tidak menghalang sesipa sahaja baik lelaki mahupun perempuan untuk berjaya.

Ingatlah pada fitrah alam, yang cantik itu tersembunyi seperti permata dan mutiara
Menabur bakti itu luas seperti laut dan langit

Selamat Hari Wanita Antarabangsa!

Pain

I have a lot to indulge this week. Mainly pain, only pain to be honest.

Totally disappointed in myself. But I'm coping with it

simply because i refuse to give up though there was a time when the only option i saw was giving up.

It's not easy to reassemble all this broken pieces of me but then again, I have abundant supports from family and friends. For that, I thank you.

And above all that, I have all those dreams that I still gonna work for it.

My dream to be a wonderful mariner

  

Partnering with my dear friend to establish our very own foundation

Giving the world new chances to be a better one

and most of all, my dream to be proud to call myself a human.

not just someone who happen to be exist in this world

leaving insignificant footsteps, false hopes and vacant thoughts.

Sorry to say but I do find it lame to leave the world without contributing anything for it.

Do the deeds people. Let's reassure the world that she is in good hands. Your pain is so little compared to Mother Earth's, so chin up and let's face the world once again.

Today

Honestly, I am one of the many kids who were insulted,mocked or sometimes slandered throughout school years.
For something I couldn't control of course.
But then, at a very young age, I learned to endure and resist all those things.
After all, if it doesn't kill you then it makes you stronger.
I turn out to be okay.

The special chants i always tell myself is
somewhere in this world, there's people who loves me
Be it only one person because quantity can never surpasses quality.

Today, I am inspired.

So people, please don't imagine yourself in a particular place,
with the same type of people, same mind,same language, same features forever.
Spread your wings and be free.
because you don't know which person in this enormous world would be the one inspiring you to be better.

Thank you ainun sensei, thank you rikako

Competition

Well yeah we compete to survive.
Law of the nature and I'm quite sure some of us is really familiar on this particular topic.
Psst.. Biology.
I gonna spare you the pain because the competition I am referring is more on something unrelated to Biology.
So, education is vital for human being.
Knowledge is power and so they say
but why turn it into a fierce battle.
Ranks and numbers are so empowering
rather than true passion and self discovery.
The true essence of  education simply fades.

Yes, I am referring to SBT,SKK,SBP,MRSM,SMK,SMKC,SMKT,SMKA and many more.

I felt a huge barrier between us all. Not that huge but still it somehow promotes unhealthy competition.

Not pointing fingers at any party but you do the thinking.

I am a SBP student and I'm proud of that. Some minds might be saying "of course you should be proud, you're like the chosen one bla bla". Well no, I'm proud because I become a human being rather than just a mere student.

Back then, Our school is banned from joining certain competitions because they can assure our winning. Where is the spirit of competitiveness? Where is the freedom to feel disappointed, challenged, determined? Why classified students according to their schools? Why cultivates equality without embracing differences?

Should I say that is the stigma we really should to get rid of our society.

Objectives of a competition should be reevaluate and judging outlines should be based on that.
It's not about who speak better english for instance, it's about who deliver the most powerful message.
Participants should fight hard regardless the status of rivals. Do research, know your opponents thoughts. Sun Tzu wrote the Art of War not for us to pick who we want to fight but how we gonna fight let it be an empire or a budding sovereign. Fight till your last breath, blood,sweat,tear whatever
That's my idea of competition.

Exquisite

Rather than doing nothing at home while waiting for the result, I decided to attend a class.

So tbh, this class is quite exquisite.
In what way?
The environment mainly or specifically the classmates.
These people are not the same people I encountered almost every day in the past.
Well, these are the people who has their own saying or statement.
It's not like all the people I met before are stereotypes or sharing same traits as me.
There is a variety.
But this is a variety from a whole different world.

I always said to myself, comparing people is not fair to either both parties.

So let it be that way. I can't always stay in my comfort zone.
These people will widen my horizon.
They are my miracles in action.
So I gonna let myself try the very best I can, as I always do.